Salt of the Earth

Took some of Mick’s back medicine today and spent the good part of the afternoon hallucinating in between cat naps. BUT it worked- or maybe I was so doped up I didn’t care one way or the other. I’m still a little loopy and my fingers aren’t typing as fast as they normally do.

In the past month I’ve found out that 3 people I know are getting a divorce and another couple is in the middle of trying to reconcile but it’s not looking good. In almost all instances the husbands started out with internet porn which then led to them finding younger women from online chat rooms. It’s terrible and scary to say the least. In one of the situations the couple had been together for 10 years- 3 of those years the husband had a secret affair with an internet girl. One of the couples were married for 8 years and the husband became addicted to internet porn. sigh….. The wife feels as though it was a kind of affair that her husband had- even though he wasn’t physically with another girl outside of porn. They just had a baby about 8 months ago in hopes of repairing the damage done. I can’t say that it’s really worked as she still doesn’t trust him. She asked my advice and i didn’t know what to say…. What constitutes an affair? Traditionally physical contact between two people right? But times have changed now with all this technology and the availability of internet porn. When is it considered an affair? Wikipedia’s definition is this:

An affair is a euphemism for a situation where two people are involved in an illicit sexual, romantic and/or passionate attachment, usually for a limited duration. The term usually implies sexual impropriety, but it is not necessarily the case. hmmmmm

Is internet porn considered an illicit sexual attachment? Or does it only count when it starts to effect the relationship? Will the courts start to see this as a viable reason for divorce and award the innocent party the same as they would if a physical affair happened? Will it soon be seen as committing adultery and grounds for a divorce or annulment? How will the church start to view this? Hmmmmm

I was discussing this subject with a neighbor friend of mine yesterday and she said that it’s the woman’s responsibility to keep the husband happy at home. I was shocked to hear her say that but gave her the benefit of the doubt but also decided to play devil’s advocate. WHAT IF the wife IS doing everything she can and the husband STILL chooses porn over her? Is that when it crosses over to being an ‘affair’? How does a woman even compete with porn? Can she? Is the husband responsible for his actions and staying attracted to his wife? Is it ok for the husband to find pleasure in porn? hmmmmmm

Well, i need to catch up on some drawings.
Watching The Shining….. scary….
T

As I said in my previous blog- the only reason I’m going to the doctor was because my lower back hurt….. well, the honest truth is It hurts too much to get on and off the stool at my easel. I’m not in so much pain while I’m sitting there- but when I get off I can barely stand up. I know… I’ve let it go too long and honestly, if I wasn’t having issues prohibiting me from sitting at my easel I wouldn’t go at all. But it’s getting worse. Getting old sucks I tell ya
T

i spent the majority of the day carving out my flaming butterflies. I have to have it done by my next class. I actually enjoyed it. I like fine detail and this is full of fine detail. My teacher warned the class several times about being careful with the carving tools as they are VERY sharp. I found out the hard way that she was correct. The tip of one of the tools barely touched my left middle finger and blood began gushing everywhere. It took 3 band-aids before it stopped and now it hurts—especially when I type E, C, and D. It’s pretty deep. OUCH…

Thomas’ birthday is coming up. He’s opted to not have a party and just take the money this year. I’m pleased with his decision. He is begging us for a cell phone- which I will NOT get him. I told him if he could come up with 10 GOOD reasons why, then he’d get one. The catch is… I am the one who decides if the reasons are good and I can’t even think of ONE good reason why a 10 year old should have a cell phone. He argues in case of emergency at school. Well, there are phones all over even in his classroom. Crazy kid.

About a month ago I was carrying packages to take to the post office and I stepped half on the sidewalk and half on the ground causing my ankle to twist and my whole leg/hip to pop into an abnormal position. I ignored it for the longest time but fear that now I can not. It’s gotten worse. I fear i will have to make the awful trek to the doctors office. Sigh… I honestly wouldn’t go but my lower back is starting to hurt now which causes a shooting pain down my right leg. I know it’s ALL connected…. sigh….. i don’t like going to the doctor.

T

My tolerance for stupid people gets lower by the day. I always thought that as I moved into my later thirties I’d gain maturity and more tolerance. That has not happened. Just the opposite. I’m not talking about people that don’t have an education- I’m talking ignorant, stupid people. I find that rolling my eyes at them brings some satisfaction- but sometimes I find myself spewing out something rude to them or giving them a dirty look. I just can’t help it. A perfect example is the girl in my art class with her annoying pencil sharpener. The teacher was giving us directions today and she started sharpening her pencil for the 3rd time- totally drowning out the teacher with the obnoxious sound of grating wood. So i did an exaggerated head roll to her and lifted my arms up giving the physical gestures of “what the hell is wrong with you?” I was happy to see that I was NOT alone in my disgust as half the class turned and glared at her. Then in my printmaking class there is this girl who always sets her stuff down on in my space while she talks to her friend who sits next to me (usually happens when I get up to get a tool). Today she set her stuff on my wood block- causing me to go into full “what the hell” mode. ( the board is very expensive and can get damaged very easily. AND we are talking about my flaming butterflies here! ) So I sat back down and pushed her stuff off into the middle of the table and said ‘can you keep your crap off my wood block’? Then I did that cringe and silently said “D’OH I said that out loud”. She apologized and then 10 minutes later did the same thing to the girl on the other side of me. (bad move-cause that girl has a serious temper). See—pure stupidity. Other than that I had a really good day in art class. Good model in life drawing and started carving in printmaking. This weekend is full of homework- but it will all be good and I’m excited to do it. I can’t even say how fulfilled this art makes me feel because I’ve never felt this before. it’s awesome. Thinking of turning it into some kind of profession…

T

It’s been a good last few days- i guess making up for my very blah, bad attitude Sunday. I am much better now. I’ve had an abundance of unsolicited compliments lately- all which have left me warm and fuzzy and on top of the world. It started out on Monday. I met a friend and her kids for lunch (no school for us that day). She has been one of my best friends for a long time now-even though i don’t se her a lot or even talk to her daily. I respect her, I admire her and I value her advice. She’s one of those people who always knows what to say and how to say it and doesn’t say it unless she means it. She’s awesome. SO while we were in conversation she told me out of the blue she aspires to be like ME. She said I’m like her therapy-her antidepressant-someone down to earth who keeps her grounded. WOW. My ego has never felt so good. Tuesday- in class two of the newbies sitting by me both kept asking me if their art was good and if they were getting the exercise. The one to my right is VERY talented and at first I thought he was joking by asking me because his life drawings are fabulous. He kept saying ‘how can i get it to look like yours?” (Now mind you, I had horrible cramps that day and was dragging around and not drawing my best. Just going through the motions and watching the clock so I could go and lay down in the van in between classes. ) The girl on my left kept making large, dramatic sighs because she just wasn’t getting it. I gave her a piece of charcoal and told her to use the side of it to create the ‘mass’ look. (she was using a pencil to draw with) that made all the difference in the world. When she gave me my charcoal back she asked how long it took me to get ’so good.’ I just shook my head and laughed. I have so far to go on my life drawings. I do not see what they see- but then again they are beginners like myself. Periodically the teacher circles the room and takes a drawing from someone’s board and puts it on the board to use as the ‘perfect’ example. When that day comes-then i will know I’m where i want to be.

I started taking pictures of my first printmaking project. (butterfly with flames) I will post those soon as well as some of my other drawings that I feel are good enough to show off. meanwhile- as my ego takes over - the guy in my printmaking class who had the star with his initials decided to add something to his print….. FLAMES! wonder where he got THAT idea….. lol

Watched American Idol and 24 in the last few days. WOW to 24 and holy mollie to American Idol.

T

So yesterday I deep cleaned the laundry room which made me feel less blah. i have this thing with cleaning- i do it when I’m not right. I hate clutter and disorganization. I feel most comfortable in a room that is not cluttered and things are where they should be. Just another one of those weird habits.

Speaking of which- i noticed a few more after I posted the original one. Here they are:

1. Before I start sketching I run my hands down the paper 5 times-in a pattern, one right after the other. This was pointed out to me by a fellow student. She asked why I did that- and I had no explanation or reason.

2. I have to have my bed made before I can get in it at night. I can’t get to sleep if I get into a bed that is all ’slept’ in from the night before.

3. I keep a big body pillow by the side of my bed which I don’t use until the middle of the night. no explanation for this one either

4. I do NOT like basements. If I have to be in one i will NOT close a door or move to far away from the stairs going BACK up to the real world. ooooo just got the he-be-gee-bees thinking about it……

…… that’s all i can remember right now.

I redid my butterfly composition last night. I liked the first one but did not ‘love’ it. This one, i think is MUCH better… I mulled it over in my head for about a day and debated going back and changing it. And I’m glad I did. I’ll see what my teacher thinks on Tuesday. I’m excited to see how it looks when It’s all done- but that won’t be for awhile.

Better get going here- boys have no school and we are meeting friends for lunch.
T

Today is a day of complaining for me. I’m in a blah mood. Yesterday was one of those days that was long and waring. i did get to see family from out of town which was the highlight of my day, really. I hate reflecting sometimes. I hate not being able to control my feelings. I don’t like wallowing in my own self pity. I see things that other people have, not material, and it makes me sad. Some people do not appreciate it and they have it. makes me feel a sense of loss though- i’m not sure why. I was talking to one of my family members last night about a situation she’s just been through and it hit so close to home with me. That’s what’s making me so blah today. When someone tells you about their experience and somehow you can relate-it seems to bring up so many feelings of your own. I don’t like living inside my head sometimes. seems like i spend so much time there lately. sometimes it’s easier though- to be there. Sometimes it scares me how easily i can shut everything out and only focus on my art. it’s like i can slip away into sheer bliss. i can’t explain it. Sometimes it’s easier just to shut everything and everyone out. I don’t know. I’m blah today.
t

wow it’s already Saturday. I can’t believe it. This week flew by. Being back in school certainly makes time fly. I went in to do my studio lab time yesterday (4 hours required per class a week) and ran some ideas by my teacher for my butterfly composition. I racked my brain the whole night before and make several NEW drawings. I showed her my new ideas and she loved them. We worked out a composition using 3 butterflies changing in size and ascending from the grass into the sky. As we were discussing the composition of this piece I asked her why she was having me do something so complex for a first year. She flat out told me she isn’t treating me as a first year but as a more experienced artist to whom she is introducing a new medium to. She also said that she thought i had a lot of potential that hasn’t been discovered and that her plan was to tap into that. Exact words, ” …and I am going to tap REALLY hard….” So i laughed and said “oh, so that’s why i don’t get to do a tear drop umbrella or a star with my initials” and she laughed. As if my head wasn’t big enough she then told me that she had noticed that my figure drawings had GREATLY improved over the break- like it just ‘clicked’ with me. THAT news alone made me SO happy. There is so much satisfaction and joy in knowing that you are becoming good at something you love doing. Something you’ve always wanted to be good at. The other good news I got yesterday was that if I take Life Drawing and Printmaking for one more term then next year I can take independent studies in both- and only pay for 1 credit in each class. (paying for 6 now) THAT news is so good. My teacher said she doesn’t want me to stop doing either of these and that is why she is offering me this wonderful opportunity to continue without draining the bank account.

well, i have a baby shower to go to so i better get dressed.
T

Just back from class a bit ago. Very nice day at school. It’s so funny cause when i am there in my groove i don’t realize how tired I am. When i get home i just melt.

Life Drawing was awesome today. Although when I walked into the studio it was full of newbies and my favorite spot was taken by a goth, angel of death girl. My friend Anna and I crammed our way into our spots and were crowded the whole time. I was so happy because the newbies said “oh i wish i could draw like you”….. i just had to smile cause one, i didn’t think it was very good, and two, i remember being in her shoes! I remember the first day of class last term-and how i felt when I looked around at all the other students drawings. My picture greatly resembled the chalk drawings police do when someone is dead. As i walked around the room today I saw several similar ‘chalk’ drawings. I was SO happy to see, that it’s a common mistake and that my drawings have come so far since then. Life Drawing is definitely the hardest art I’ve ever done. It still remains a challenge to me- although i feel like I’m finally grasping it i have SO much room for improvement. This one newbie has a little battery operated pencil sharpener that she continually uses in class. It’s VERY distracting and it drives me crazy. I seriously don’t know how a pencil can get dull so fast so many times in a 3 hour period. If I can get my hands on it, i will step on it and break it into several, small, unidentified pieces……

My printmaking class was a little frustrating…. I did three drawings for the teacher to look at and decide what my first 16×20 woodcut would be. She liked my flaming butterfly the most. (black butterfly with flames for the pattern on the top of the wings and the japanese character FA which means flame on the bottom. ) I mean lets face it- i love butterflies and flames are bitchin. She looked at it and told all the printmaking newbies “WOW” this is my favorite drawing. Then she said- ‘ok Tina, go back and fix it and make it a composition” . I was like “WHAT????” the guy NEXT to me did a heart with a ribbon across it (like the ones you see with MOM or Betty or Sally written in it) , and the guy next to him had a jewish star with his initials in the middle. She said theirs was fine and let them begin transferring. MY butterfly had texture and flames and she sent me back to the drawing board!!! So i followed her into her office to ask her WHAT exactly i needed to do to my very, cool flaming butterfly. She said something to the effect of ‘tina, you know what to do to make it a composition” sigh…… artists! Honestly, what can you put BEHIND a flaming butterfly?

I think Graham is getting ready to grow again- he is eating us out of house and home. Grapes, blueberries, bagels, sandwiches, noodles, milk, etc…….. man….. i can’t keep him full. Thomas is counting the days down until his 10th birthday. He’s opted to take the money and run this year- instead of having a party. I am so happy with his decision. I SO didn’t want to have a party this year. I thought of having a surprise party for him- we don’t have school on his actual birthday (Monday the 30th) So well see…

off to compose my butterfly
T

WOW. My printmaking class is gonna be way intense and way cool. It’s gonna be freaking hard and a lot of my time will be spent on that class- but holy moly the reward will be sweet if I can do it.

While I was sitting in my Life Drawing class with my little art buddies we were all talking about how we felt most comfortable around fellow ‘ar-teasts’. There is just a common acceptance without judgment. A lot of leeway for creativity and uniqueness. I really appreciate that in people- and their ability to appreciate that in me. It’s not often you find people like this. One of the students, Matt, calls our little environment the art village cause it’s separate from the rest of the campus. As i was sitting there drawing and chatting with these people I had that strange, emotion again…… from my soul. My soul was happy. Happy like it was when I started printmaking many years ago. But this time I am very protective of my happiness-guarded almost- perhaps even a little selfish.

As I went into the printmaking studio I was greeted with a whole different group of people. These are some hard core, intense artist. They are all deep in thought and create magnificent pieces. There are about 7 of us ‘newbies’. The others have been together printing for at least a year. (some have been in that studio for over 10 years) I hope to soak up everything I can from them. I’m very excited. My fist assignment is due Thursday- and it is to draw out 3 different pictures that I want to use for a 16×20 block print. I picked the theme of butterflies. (Tif, i was gonna pick peas and carrots but thought only you and I would get the symbolism in that one! LOL) So for the next few days I will be drawing out several different renditions for the teacher to look at.

I so long to be a good artist. I so envy people that are born with the gift of drawing and seeing things in perspective and being able to foreshorten the human form. OH to have a mind free of doubt and just be able to create beauty… ah someday buttercup, someday……..

T