Salt of the Earth

had a good day today for the most part. The kids and I enjoyed our outing with my friend. I haven’t seen her in awhile so it was really good to see her and her daughter. (i met her in lamaze and Thomas and her daughter have been good friends since they were babies). The kids enjoyed the little comedy club thing. They got to get up on the stage and participate. It was very cool. Afterwards we went to Ben and Jerry’s for some ice cream. The weather was beautiful!

I feel a bit melancholy tonight. There are so many things in my life that make me happy now and only a few that don’t. But the ones that don’t are big ones. Ones I don’t know how to change. Ones I don’t think i can change. Somedays it’s worse than others. Somedays I can accept it. Somedays I just can’t. I’ve fought so many ‘demons’ in my life and I’ve won. I know I’m strong- but this one I just can’t beat. I feel every time I am up against it I lose more and more stamina to fight it. What if I didn’t fight it? What if I just ignored it or let it go? Would that be winning the fight or giving in? Would it even matter……

Going to hit the sack. Put the boys to bed- made lunches and finished laundry. Typical for Sunday.
T

another night of strange dreams. I dreamt that Mick, Graham (who was much younger) and I were in this building -apparently my place of work. (Thomas was at a friends). So I looked down and saw the floor starting to rumble and I grabbed Graham cause I knew an earth quake was going to happen. So I headed for a door frame and yelled back to Mick to GET UNDER A DOOR FRAME. He just ran out of the room. Then the building started tipping over and I ran to lean up against this wall so that Graham and I wouldn’t be tossed about. The building ended up on it’s side and Graham and I ran outside to find the van and go home. While we were outside another ‘tremor’ hit and people were flying all over the place. This guy grabbed my arm and dragged G and me into this tour bus which then took us to Timberline Lodge at Mt. Hood. Apparently- THIS was the safest place to be. When we arrived at the lodge I realized that I didn’t have Graham with me and I remembered that I had some how lost him in the last tremor. I then turned to see Thomas waiting for me at the lodge and I was so relived. So we set out to the bus to look for Graham and another tremor hit- then I woke up.

I really don’t like those dreams where I lose my children or some how I leave them behind.

Another fun, but busy day. The kids and I are going to this comedy club for kids. It’s a birthday present from one of his friends. We are meeting them there then having ice cream afterwards.

The kids school is doing secret pals for the volunteers. I got talked into doing it as I don’t normally do stuff like that. I drew the name of the lady who works in the office. She didn’t list hobbies but she does like Christian books and lotion……. So i got her some lotion from Bath and Body Works last night. There is a $15 limit on it so I’ll get her some chocolate hearts or something since I have no idea what book she wants or what she’s already read. It will be interesting to see what I get.

I need to start laundry and clean the house.
T

Thomas had a chess tournament today. He and I picked up his friend at 8am this morning and headed off to the event. The coach was late and the officiails told me (because I was only one of the only parents that stayed and spoke fluent English) I had to be coach and register the kids or else they would have to forfeit. I asked them what i had to do- because I know not one thing about playing chess- and they said “register your kids and get them ready to play”. So I turned and looked at the 10 kids standing in front of me—ten pair of eyes pleading with me to step in as coach. So I did it. Got everyone registered and set to play. The officials rang the bell, which meant registration was closed and it was 10 minutes until game time. Kids had been paired up and guess who strolled in- the coach. I told him he was late and then said “I hope you teach chess better than you tell time!” ha ha

I was SO proud of Thomas. He won 2 out of 5 games. He played REALLY well. He won his first game in less than 5 minutes. Second game he lost to a boy who said “man, that was so hard that kid was so good.” I came home to have lunch and pick up Mick and Graham so I missed his 3rd and 4th game. The 5th game was by far the most exciting. He played against a girl (the one in the picture). It was neck and neck until the end and it seemed like the game went on forever. I paced the floor and kept sending skilled chess players over to the playing area to get a birds eye view of the board so they could come back and tell me what was going on. (spectators weren’t allowed in the playing area). If Thomas would have won the game- he would tie for 3rd place in his division and the team would be tied for 3rd place. So all of his team mates and I were anxiously awaiting the end of the game. The girl ended up winning and our team got 4th place. Not bad at all. I was SO proud of Thomas. He played VERY good games.

Graham lost another tooth Wednesday. That makes 7. He’s so sweet. I felt so badly because i had a HUGE project due Thursday and didn’t make it to bed until really late- forgetting that the tooth fairy needed to visit. So the next morning when I went to get Graham up for school I saw his big green note with his bagged tooth taped to it. UGH!!!!!! I felt like the WORST mom in the whole world. So as he got up and noticed that the tooth fairy hadn’t come I went to my room and grabbed the two dollars that was sitting on my desk- (which I had previously given Graham for his 6th tooth and he then gave back to me to keep for him- ) and I tossed it onto his bed as he was putting his shirt on. I then said “OH LOOK GRAHAM!! The tooth fairy put your money ON your bed instead of UNDER your pillow.” He was so happy- and I still felt like crap! Oh well…. at least he got his money- again.

I’m so tired… off to bed for me.
T

I finished my butterfly print today. i think i like it- for the most part. I think that I may make the bottom butterfly a little darker- but I’m not sure yet. from the pictures I took today, you can’t tell the difference in color.

the name of the picture is The awakening. it is my self portrait. it is the explanation of my life in the last year. the rest is pretty self explanatory.

Talked to my teacher today- she’s so awesome. She gave me a lot of really good advice and guidance for my future. She also told me that i was a big source of energy for her- happy energy and that she really appreciated me and enjoyed my presence in her classes. She said a bunch of other stuff too that made me all teary eyed. I wanted to thank her for not only giving me my wings, but the ability to fly. i wanted to tell her that in my self portrait , she was the flames in my wings. but i just couldn’t. I knew i would cry if i said that out loud. it’s too deep for me. i feel my awakening so strongly now. I’ll tell her someday. but i kind of think she already knows.

T

this is from my journal from last fall…..

November 3rd, 2005
….. my art classes are still going well. I find that things are so beautiful to me now. The leaves. The fall leaves just move me. It’s like something I’ve never seen before-something I’ve never experienced. The colors almost look unreal to me-they are so magnificent. I collect them everyday because some how I want to capture their beauty- hold on to how they make me feel when I see them. I love the fall. I love this fall. I loving feeling the feeling that fall makes me feel right now. I don’t know how to even explain what I feel lately. I sit in my drawing class and everything just clicks for me. The human form, the music, drawing beauty-experiencing beauty like i never have before. There are moments when I am drawing and I have that deep feeling that I am getting it and i am almost drawn to tears. I don’t know why. I’m not sad. I’m moved. But i don’t know how to explain it. It’s not depression because I don’t feel down. I just feel deep……..

One portfolio is done and turned in and now I have one to go. As promised I uploaded my photos to my photo gallery.

I put a brief description under each photo- which explains the assignment. Some may look a little strange but it’s what the teacher wanted. Different techniques to teach us how to draw.

I haven’t finished my prints- that will be tomorrow. I’ll upload those once I have them. It’s been a really fun, but intense process learning reduction. A LOT of work- but so worth it. We start a new project on Tuesday- drypoint. I’ve done it before so it won’t be anything new. I have to come up with a picture this weekend- which is really, the hardest part. i’m thinking about doing a dragon. I’ve never drawn a dragon but i think it would be cool. We only have a week to do this project- then on to a new, exciting project. That one, will be a BIG one.

never finished the paper. ah not worried about it.
T

This is my favorite one-

Mick liked this one.

i will upload the rest into my photo some time soon. Paper remains undone. BUT i got a lot of baking done today.

T

i found the paper that has the topic for my paper on it. i honestly tried to do it- I researched it, started typing and thought I was going to die from boredom. I tried again- and found myself here updating my blog. think I’ll forego it all together. it’s only worth a few points. besides, i didn’t turn in any papers last term and I did just fine. sheesh i sound like a child!

I will be posting pictures from my portfolio. After I get home from the store.
T

So my teacher ‘reminded’ us today that midterms are on Thursday….. MIDTERMS??? How the heck did that sneak up on me??? I thought it was NEXT week. So tonight and tomorrow will be spent getting my portfolio ready for life drawing, writing a paper and pulling 4 completed prints. My portfolio needs to have 10 completed drawings from class- each fulfilling a certain criteria. PLUS I need to finish drawing the skeleton and muscle overlay… BLAH BLAH BLAH…. I can’t remember the topic for the paper, and I lost the paper telling what it was supposed to be about. I highly doubt I’ll do it because I hate writing papers, especially for an art class. I did all this stuff the first time around. This time, i just want to do art. I am considering writing a paper on a topic of my choice. Knowing my art teacher-she’ll be fine with it. We’ll see.

Printmaking was good today. My teacher gave me a one on one and it was awesome. She helped me mix the yellow ink for the tips of the flames. So I pulled 4 prints with just the yellow. Then tried to get my second color done before I had to go. Only got a couple done. tried to do the second color, green, done on my own. UGH!!! it turned out so so. Not nice like my yellow- but ok. I wasn’t as happy with it. The color was fabulous! The consistency was so so. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted to. BUT it’s my first one….. My teacher told me that I was a born printmaker-and by the end of the course I’ll be teacher HER and the class! ha ha ha I admit, i DO love printmaking and feel like it’s my ‘thang’ but I don’t know if I am anywhere near ‘teaching the teacher!”

I’m a bit frustrated with Life Drawing. I don’t feel like I’m making a lot of progress and I don’t really like anything I’ve done so far this term. The class is different- it’s the second in the series and it’s less drawing human form and more drawing freaking skeletons. I’m just in a drawing funk. My teacher reassure me that I’m doing really well- BAH! I don’t see it.

Oh yeah, the nosey lady was good today. Just have to keep it all in perspective.

Off to my easel
T

This is my wood block about 2 weeks ago- before I carved the background away. I did a test print on Thursday and it turned out REALLY cool. Tomorrow I start the printing process. I start with Yellow. Then Orange. Then Green (for the grass) the the black for the butterfly. I think it’s going to turn out really cool.

I talked to a friend/fellow student of mine who took the printmaking class last term. She said she had the very same issues with the nosey lady. She said I needed to just ignore her because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that she butts into EVERYONES business. Like I said, i know she means well- she just adds frustration to a frustrating situation.

Went to the auto supply store today to get a much needed headlight for the van. I’ve never been to this one but the guy behind the counter was so nice to me. He put the light in for FREE and gave me $2 off the actual light. He gave me his card and told me to come back if I had any other car problems and he and the guys in back would do all the service. I told him I didn’t trust mechanics because they liked to rip people like me off. He said he wouldn’t do that. So well see. He seemed like a good guy.

My back is better today. The hip…. getting there. We’ll see how it is after my long day at school tomorrow. Midterms are coming up. I have to do a skeletal torso with a muscle over lay. I HATE drawing the skeleton especially the torso. All those ribs and the spine is just confusing.

I caught a glimpse of Thomas the other day. He looks so much older to me now. I don’t know it it’s cause he turned 10 or if he’s just growing up. I was looking through some pictures of him and came across this one…….

He just looks so old in it. He’s hanging with his best friend Lexington. Graham is getting too big for Mick to carry to bed. He fell asleep on the love sac curled up next to me- and Mick struggled to get him to his room.

off to see if the boys are doing homework.
T

Man my dreams just get crazier and crazier. Last night I dreamt that we were having a birthday party for Thomas (he was much younger) and there was this girl there that kept opening and closing our sliding glass door in our dinning room. So as she was opening it Mick got went over and yelled at her to stop. She walked away crying. So this other girl (who in real life is the same age as Thomas’) started shutting the sliding door and Mick raised his hand and struck her hand really hard. She started crying, Thomas started crying and everyone started leaving the party- all of them very upset with Mick. So when I saw Thomas crying I started yelling at Mick and telling him that he couldn’t hit other peoples children. He started yelling back at me that he could do what ever he wanted because he had a right to because this was HIS house. So the little girl that he struck was standing by me showing me her hand- that was all red with hand marks on it. Her parents began banging on our door to let them in because they were very made at Mick for hitting their child. As I went to answer the door I woke up- thankfully. BAD DREAM …THEN to top that one off I dreamt of my Grandma- the one who passed away on Thomas birthday. I dreamt that she was visiting me and helping my mom clean out the garage. (I had just purchased the house that I lived in as a child- the one with the window to the street). And Grandma was laughing and having a good time and then it hit me that she was dead. So I said something to my mom to the effect that i didn’t understand how Grandma could be with us because she was dead. And my mom shushed me and said- ‘if she can hear you say it then she’ll die all over again”. My Grandma did hear me and she started to die in front of me and I began screaming “NO NO NO” as I watched her fall to the ground with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes closed. Then I woke up. I got out of bed at that point- I was DONE dreaming.

T