Salt of the Earth

My Mother-in-Law is still in town. Monday after her daily walk she came in the kitchen and told me her big toe hurt. Upon removing her sock she noticed that it was red and hot to the touch around the lower part of the nail. She had me look at it- I said ‘maybe it’s an ingrown toe nail?” She said she thought it was gout. I told her I knew nothing about gout and she took two Tylenol and laid down until dinner. When Mick got home that night she showed him her toe and they got on the internet and looked up gout. The symptoms listed convinced my MIL (mother-in-law) that she had gout. So it was decided that she needed to go to a doctor here the very next day. The next day- I left the gym early so that I could be home by 9am to call the doctor. Made the call and they informed me they were not taking new Medicare patients. I explained the situation and they agreed to see her at 11:30am. Prior to the toe problem- I had a full day scheduled for me since it was my second day of school. So I juggled things around, called my teacher to let her know I wouldn’t be in class and off we went. When we got to the doctors appt. MIL had a ton of paperwork asking her various health questions. Jumping ahead, we are in the waiting room and the doc comes in and starts looking at her toe. She asks MIL if she had a fever the day before. MIL replies “Oh yes, i am sure. The whole afternoon was very rocky”. More looking at the toe…. The the doc stepped out of the room to get a tool to poke around the skin. After doing that she confirms it is NOT gout but an ingrown toe nail. So off we left with instructions to soak her toe twice a day and start on mild antibiotics. MIL was happy that it wasn’t gout but a bit embarrassed that we went to the doc over an ingrown toe nail. We ended up celebrating by meeting Mick for lunch. By that evening MIL’s toe was just pink and didn’t hurt as badly. Thus ending the whole toe saga.

School is going well. I am enjoying being back on campus. I have a ton of homework and am struggling to get it all done right now. But honestly, that’s just the way it goes.

My Grandpa is going to have a service for my grandma sometime soon- and then he is planning on relocating to Oregon. I’m very happy to hear that and we will love to have him here.

The weekend just flew by. I can’t believe it’s Monday morning and it’s back to the grind. Mick took Friday off and we got stuff ready for his party on Saturday. Saturday we pretty much did the same thing until guests started arriving. We had about 30 people here and Mick had a good time celebrating his big FOUR OH birthday. I made home made beans (black and refried), green chili, guacamole etc… and it was a huge burrito feast. It was beautiful outside so the party was basically in the back yard and on the deck. Towards the evening we built a fire in the fire pit. It was so nice. I’m SO glad I got that.

Sunday was a very mellow day in our house. I had a full blown migraine that I thought was gonna blind me. I haven’t had a headache like that for years. So I laid in bed all day taking various medications to lessen the pain and deal with the side effects.

Today is the first day of school for me. I leave in about 30 minutes. I decided to take only 1 class (painting) and then do an independent study in printmaking. I’m happy with this decision as any more classes would just be overwhelming right now.

My parents are in Houston with grandpa now. They were hoping to have grandma cremated and her ashes brought here to scatter along the coast where she grew up. There is some one week waiting period in Houston for cremation, apparently. I’m still ok with not flying to Houston to see her one last time. I will not miss her memorial service though.

My Mother-in-law is here. She’s having a nice, relaxing time. She enjoyed meeting all of Mick’s friends and even stayed up until the last of the guests finally left- around midnight. I felt badly yesterday- the weather was gorgeous and she was kind of hoping we’d venture out for an outing.

I hear my Mother-in-law in the kitchen so I’m gonna go chat with her awhile before I leave for class.
T

My grandma passed away last night at 10:45pm. My grandpa is having her cremated and the memorial service will be here in Oregon. I’m not sure when. My grandpa will be flying in from Houston sometime soon. That’s all i know right now.
T

My grandma’s health is not much better. She has spurts of energy and clarity and then lapses right back into dementia. She became very health conscious around the time we met her. She had been a smoker for maybe 15 years of her life. By the time I met her she had quit and had begun the life of a health nut.- Sad to say that now in the end her lungs are so badly damaged that she can’t survive without an oxygen tank. She has developed an infection around her heart which was causing several episodes where they thought she was having a heart attack. The oxygen tank is something new-from the last week or so and is done to assist her breathing therefore keeping her alive. The thought is that once they take her off of the oxygen tank she will not survive much longer. They are keeping her on it so that people can say goodbye. Which is something I just can’t bring myself to do. I know I should and I know I may regret not doing it. But i just can’t. I don’t want to remember her the way she is now. it was like when Isamu died and I went to say goodbye to him. That was so hard. It took me a long time to remember him alive instead of the shell his body had become. If she lived here it would be different. Somehow. I don’t know.

Mick’s mom will be arriving tomorrow. She’ll be here for Saturday- Mick’s 40th birthday. Now I can REALLY call him ‘my old man’. Except I have more grey hair than he does and I’m MUCH younger.

Mick and i have been doing South Beach diet for about 7 weeks now. We met our first goal (20 pounds) last week and went out to lunch to celebrate. I hadn’t really noticed a huge difference-since it’s been a slow steady process. Today when I was walking into the store I noticed that my underwear kept slipping down and my jeans were baggy in the buttocks. Pretty cool. I am really happy with this plan. I do much better without sugar in my diet. We are eating healthier now than we ever have.

Today I caught a glimpse of Karma-in my favor. I truly believe, like Earl, that what comes around, goes around. When people do bad things-they come back and bite them in the ass. Some people even lose their insurance in the process. HAW HAW (Nelson style)

and on that note I will sign out
T

My Grandma took a turn for the worse yesterday. She was getting better and had started mild physical therapy. As of yesterday she can’t sit up anymore. I’ve thought about flying out to Houston too see her-but I’m not sure it would matter or make a difference. I don’t know…

We have the school carnival tomorrow. I am painting faces for the first shift and then working the cotton candy stand with the boys for the second. Every year i swear that I am not going to get roped into working. Every year I get the call and no matter how many times I’ve rehearsed it in my head-to say NO, i always say YES! And I always have fun.I even bought some new glitter today- some for the face and some for the hair. You can NEVER have too much glitter. I provide my own supplies so that I can paint the faces for free- and the school isn’t out any money. I’m a sucker for those little kids holding tickets with their little glitterless faces. It’s like everyone of them is a blank canvas and I am the master arteest!

Anna and Miles came over a few nights ago. I’ll blog about that on my myspace account. It was so much fun and so good to see them. We laughed until our stomachs hurt. good times

Over a week ago Mick got a C-Pap mask to help with his sleep apnea and snoring. I went to his doctors appointment with him-and got the low down from his doctor. The mask is supposed to make things better. he has this chin strap that is supposed to keep his mouth closed and the air in- but around 3am his mouth opens a little bit and a whooshing sound comes out of his mouth. It sounds JUST like my ocean waves alarm clock to the point where I slept through my alarm this morning because i thought it was just Mick. He’s a trooper for sticking with it- it hasn’t been easy, probably more frustrating than anything. I’m glad he is doing it because it’s better for him in so many ways. I’m hoping the next week will prove to be better for him.

bedtimes for the boys
T

It’s Sunday night. We had a really good weekend. Spent it close to home with my hubby and kids.

I felt melancholy for most of Saturday after I blogged the story of my grandma and the shit I went though when I was younger. Sometimes I hate living in my head. I hate the self doubt that accompanies the cleaning out ‘my closet’. I hate feeling. i hate feeling crappie. I hate being in the past. Especially when it’s not the happy past. Self doubt just eats at me and bit by bit. It chews up my self esteem and fills my head with things I don’t understand. I don’t feel unloved- just left out. I think that’s the theme of my story. You know, everyone has a story. That’s mine. I want to feel a part of something-anything. I am a part of my little 4 person family. I love that. But outside of that I just don’t feel connected. yeah, i know i have a lot of friends, can’t go somewhere without bumping into someone that knows me… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….. That’s just not enough for me. But why not? because, I said so, that’s why. i really don’t know how to be a part of something. I just wasn’t ‘taught’ that. I never felt apart of my family after my parents got divorced. They loved me-they provided for me. But I was always on the outside looking in, watching the 3 of them be a family. I was jealous because I didn’t have it. I didn’t know how to do what they did. How do you re-bond and accept things you can not accept or change when you were so happy with the way they were before. I would’ve if I could’ve. But I just couldn’t. Somehow it all fell on my shoulders and I was the bad guy- the odd man out in a family with even numbers. I’m not saying my family was bad or awful- they just didn’t know what to do with me. They couldn’t relate to me. I felt too much. I still feel too much. Maybe THAT’S my story. I’m still on the outside looking in. i don’t question why my sister had a different life than me- I just wonder why i didn’t have that kind of a life too. How did she learn to be connected and loved? I was a good kid with a big heart. I just felt too much. I loved too much. I just wanted to be loved. And accepted. Accepted for me. And included.

thats all of my story i wish to think about

t

My grandma had a stroke last night. She is paralyzed on her left side and waist down. Maybe 5 years ago or so she was diagnosed with Alschimer. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago. She kept calling me ‘dear’ and at first I thought maybe out of everyone she remembered me. You see, prior to her onset of her disease I felt she favored me, especially when I was younger.

The first time I met her- I was 12, maybe, but I don’t remember the details but it was somewhere around the time my mom decided to marry Tom. Both of his parents embraced my sister and me. As the years went by my sister and our grandpa formed a very strong bond. (Both of our biological grandpas had died when I was 5 so we never really got to know them.) I was a teenager-a somewhat wild one, and very overwhelmed with the whirlwind life that had become mine. The move to Saudi Arabia was a huge change in my life. My grandparents were there for the first few months we were there which made it a little less foreign. It was then that my grandma and I formed our very own strong bond. I think she felt sorry for me because I didn’t really feel like I fit in with my own family and there was constant discord and disappointment thrown in my direction that I had no way of understanding or escaping. She would invite me to dinner-just me. I don’t know that we talked about anything deep because really, i don’t even remember our conversations. I just knew she was on my side. Several times after Tom and I had had one of our many yelling fights- she would try to comfort me and would call him an old poop. That I do remember. When I went to boarding school she would send me little things in the mail- she never forgot a birthday and she and my grandpa came for a visit once. During the summers we’d go to Houston, where my grandparents lived then. A few times I was there by myself. She’d take me shopping, we’d have our hair done and she introduced me to Thai food. We’d go to her gym, watch a soap opera together and have white bread, baloney sandwiches. (she was a health nut but ate white bread with me-cause I hated wheat). She even got chocolate chips for me- to put in my oatmeal in the mornings and we’d drink wine in the evening. Before I’d leave to return to my life abroad she’d offer me money- but i never accepted. It just felt wrong. Somehow, her money would end up in a pocket or in my purse or the bottom of my back pack. The last time I was in Houston was the summer of ’89. That was a very hard summer for me-extremely emotional to the point where a quack doctor in Saudi prescribed 10 m of Phenobarbital 6 times a day. I guess I was easier to deal with in a zombie state than as a confused 19 year old. I was there by myself for the first few days and then my parents joined me. Since I was so emotionally fragile the slightest thing could set me off-and did. Tom and I had a few spats- then my mom would tell me I needed to take a pill. I blindly obeyed and soon I entered the world of unicorns and rainbow butterflies. I’m getting side tracked here..
Anyway, that summer my grandma still called Tom and old poop-which even in my drugged state, made me smile. Before I left that summer she gave me a gold medallion with two stick people dancing on it while toasting. (It’s hard to explain the beauty of it since it came from overseas and I’ve yet to see something like it here in the states.) The name of the piece was called ‘The Beer drinkers”. Anyone who remembers that summer of my life would see the absolute humor in that. The event of that summer finally passed and I went to college and got my shit together. The next time i saw her was 3 years later at my wedding. i remember standing in the kitchen with her, the day before my wedding and she pulled off a gold bangle she had on her wrist and gave it to me. I’d always loved that bangle and remember seeing it on her many times. She and my grandpa came to Portland for my graduation. I was pregnant with Thomas and was queasy. I could only eat at night. I remember her eating pizza with me after I graduated. It was about 10pm and I asked if anyone else wanted pizza and I had no takers…. except her. She said she’d have pizza with me which was something she never ate. (health nut) And we did. I want to say that was the last time I saw her truly cognizant. She sent Christmas/birthday cards until maybe 7 years ago. It was good, but hard to see her two years ago. She played with my children. She asked me questions-sometimes repeating herself. She’d repeat the last two words I said and would laugh. I took pictures-like I always do. As I was leaving I heard her call my mom ‘dear’ and my heart broke. She didn’t really remember me- she called everyone she didn’t remember ‘dear’. As we left my moms house I watched her wave goodbye to me- I knew this would probably be the last time I saw her. Deep down, she was already gone.

The news of her stroke is sad-her prognosis isn’t good. I worry about the life she has. Does it scare her that she can’t remember anything or anyone? I send cards and pictures from time to time. I don’t know that it even matters, really. The good news is that Tom and I don’t fight anymore and i’m not a confused teenager. I’m still emotional. that will never change.

what a long blog
T

Ah it’s such an amazing feeling to wake up knowing that you will be able to get your kids to school and pick them up. I can’t even tell you how happy I am that I now have a reliable car. It truly makes me smile every morning as we head out to the car- and i KNOW it’s gonna start. Even better that I know if I am somewhere else during the day- the car WILL start and I will be able to pick the kids up. Such a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

I had a good day today. Went to the kids school and had lunch with them. Went to the library and picked up the first season of Dead Like Me. Then came home and rested my back. Picked my boys up and got homework done. Thomas has a science project to work on and i helped him with that. He spent 2 hours experimenting and trying to figure it out. I could see the little wheels just turning in his head. I loved it. This teacher is going to challenge him. Graham likes to strip down to his boxer briefs and wife beaters when he gets home. It’s pretty darn cute. His teacher put him in the 3rd grade math group today. Graham was happy. Even though I’m not thrilled about this split class- I think that Graham will benefit from it. He’s smart as a whip but boy his handwriting is….. well…. creative, lets just say.

I’ve started knitting again. Ahhhh I heart knitting. It’s food for my soul. who knows, maybe I’ll send out scarves to all my faithful blog readers this year!

anyway
Tina

The boys started school today. They were excited. I can honestly say this is the first year that I have been ok with them going back. I’m not ready for everything to get crazy again- and running in two different directions at the same time. BUT I am ready for them to start their new year. They woke up easily and showered, dressed and ate breakfast without fighting or complaining. We had the annual picture taken in front of the jasmine, then again in front of the school sign. First stop was Thomas class. He has the new teacher this year. He seems nice. Graham has his old reading teacher from last year, Mr. McDonald. That guy is a riot-and I wish him luck for this school year. After school Thomas, his best friend, Graham, and his best friend all got off the bus just smiling away. They all had a great first day. I was glad they were home and enjoyed listening to their first day stories.

I finished watching the first season of Grey’s Anatomy AND the first season of SCRUBS. — I guess at this time I should interject that I am on serious pain killers and muscle relaxants do to a little tumble I took while hiking on Monday. I ended up with a Lumbar Sprain, right ankle sprain, and possible broken bones in my left hand-but just a few of those ‘little’ bones. When it happened I felt myself go down, but didn’t have the balance to correct it since I was headed down hill. I made a great spectacle of myself and several on lookers inquired several times if I was “OK”. My doctor said I probably cracked my tail bone but the area was far too sensitive for her to really push through my ‘padding’. ha ha She also pointed out that my ankle was very swollen and ‘turning a nice shade of blue’ which the boys found very funny. I hadn’t really noticed the pain since I was more focused on my back- because when your back hurts the simplest moves can trigger pain from ALL over your body. But anyway- I’m fine. I hate being drugged up- but it’s better than sharp pain I guess…. Oh to be young and flexible again.

I’m almost done with my book The Secret History. I’m curious to see how it ends.

Got some email from my school friends asking which classes I was taking this term. It was really nice to hear from them and kind of got me excited for school. I am going to take my paper work in on Friday- to finally register. So if I’m so excited and i loved it so much why am I dragging my feet? Answer me THAT Riddler.

Ok enough from me
T

It’s labor day weekend. we are just relaxing before everything gets crazy around here. I got a bit of food poisoning on Friday- and boy did I ever pay. Left me a bit slow yesterday. maybe still a little today.

Good news- Fredrick is still alive! He loves his new pad. I told the boys we should change his name to Timmay! Like the guy in South Park.

We sold the truck. Got a big womping $40 bucks for it. But I’m good with that. It was a little sad seeing it pull away but then I saw my Scion and my grief was immediately appeased!

I am watching the first season of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD. So far it’s ok. I’m guessing it gets better.

Reading a book called A Secret History. Very interesting. It’s taken me about a month to get into it-and it’s been S L O W going but I finally hit a part where it’s good and I couldn’t put it down on Friday. I’m only half way through it so far.

I am almost 90 % sure I’m going back to school in a few weeks. I’ve been going back and forth with it. I talked to a very dear friend of mine about it. She pointed out to me that the reason I started taking these classes was to make me happy and battle my diagnosis. I talked to Mick about it- and tossed around the idea of getting a part time job instead. It would have to be with the school so that I could stay on the boys schedule since we don’t have family here to watch the boys if i worked longer hours. Day care was an option- but considering that I’d only make minimum wage, day care would just suck that up AND it just wouldn’t be worth it. I’ve considered working at the school- but I’d be working with Title One students which is very demanding. When i did it last fall I found my patience with my OWN children was spent by the time I got home. Not worth it. I’m still searching for options. School would be fun and I just love the people I’m around. Ah, we’ll see.

Ok, off to Costco
T