Salt of the Earth

It’s Sunday night. We had a really good weekend. Spent it close to home with my hubby and kids.

I felt melancholy for most of Saturday after I blogged the story of my grandma and the shit I went though when I was younger. Sometimes I hate living in my head. I hate the self doubt that accompanies the cleaning out ‘my closet’. I hate feeling. i hate feeling crappie. I hate being in the past. Especially when it’s not the happy past. Self doubt just eats at me and bit by bit. It chews up my self esteem and fills my head with things I don’t understand. I don’t feel unloved- just left out. I think that’s the theme of my story. You know, everyone has a story. That’s mine. I want to feel a part of something-anything. I am a part of my little 4 person family. I love that. But outside of that I just don’t feel connected. yeah, i know i have a lot of friends, can’t go somewhere without bumping into someone that knows me… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….. That’s just not enough for me. But why not? because, I said so, that’s why. i really don’t know how to be a part of something. I just wasn’t ‘taught’ that. I never felt apart of my family after my parents got divorced. They loved me-they provided for me. But I was always on the outside looking in, watching the 3 of them be a family. I was jealous because I didn’t have it. I didn’t know how to do what they did. How do you re-bond and accept things you can not accept or change when you were so happy with the way they were before. I would’ve if I could’ve. But I just couldn’t. Somehow it all fell on my shoulders and I was the bad guy- the odd man out in a family with even numbers. I’m not saying my family was bad or awful- they just didn’t know what to do with me. They couldn’t relate to me. I felt too much. I still feel too much. Maybe THAT’S my story. I’m still on the outside looking in. i don’t question why my sister had a different life than me- I just wonder why i didn’t have that kind of a life too. How did she learn to be connected and loved? I was a good kid with a big heart. I just felt too much. I loved too much. I just wanted to be loved. And accepted. Accepted for me. And included.

thats all of my story i wish to think about

t