It’s already May. Wasn’t it just Christmas?
There are several reasons why I like May. Well, I like the beginning because it means summer vacation is around the corner. I like the end because it’s Graham’s birthday and we always have a big party outside for him. I don’t, however, enjoy the middle. There are 3 reasons why-well 3 dates that just make me really sad. Isamu’s birthday, the day Kim died, and Mother’s Day.
It’s like clockwork-the beginning of May every year since Isamu died, the dreams start up and i feel that sadness in my heart. For some reason this year it’s much stronger. I’ve had several dreams that he is still alive-and happy and well and we are laughing just like we used to. And then when I wake up and I open my eyes to the sad realization that he is not. And he hasn’t been for several years. So why is this year so different? Why do I miss him so much now? Shouldn’t I be used to thinking of him in the past tense instead of still really missing him in the present? I used to think that his birthday was a ‘celebration’ of his life. I don’t have that optimism this year. I can’t focus on his life right now when it’s his death that I’m feeling so strongly.
Kim’s death, in so many ways still seems like some sort of ‘story’ and not real. I think it’s because he wasn’t a part of my everyday life so for me, thinking of him now is like thinking of him the way I used to when he was alive. He is ‘there’ and we are here. His ‘there’ is just another place now. I know it will be harder when we are ‘there’ – Iowa ‘there’. It was the last time we were there. It was like going through the motions but not really being present. I don’t know how to explain it. Sad. There.
Mother’s Day… wow… where do I even begin with this one and do I even want to. I LOVE being a mom. It is the best thing I do and have done in my entire life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thomas and Graham are the highlights of my life. I love being their mom. I think I do it well. I love my mom so very much and I honor her on this day. I appreciate her more and more every year- as my kids get older and I learn to understand what parents go through for their children. She was a very young mom and in many ways was robbed of her own youth. But she did the best she could and my sister and I are who we are today because of her. I get her little presents through out the year so that on Mother’s Day i can send her several little thoughtful gifts. Most of them are home made but she loves them just the same. So those are all the good things about Mother’s Day. And the bad…. well, they are just that- bad. They shouldn’t exist- sadly, they do. You’d think that since the best thing in my life are my babies, that Mother’s Day would be…. I guess just different. Anyway. Isamu’s birthday falls on Mother’s Day this year.
On a happier note- since this blog is pretty depressing…. my boys are just so sweet. My dad told me tonight that they asked him to buy me a Mother’s Day gift this year. He asked what they wanted to get me and Graham said ‘a Mustang’. Thomas said ‘ a tent’. Apparently, I’m getting the tent! And I’m so very happy with that. They are amazing boys.
Tomorrow is special person’s day at the boys school. Uncle Buddy is coming along AGAIN. He’s such a good sport. He acts surprised when the boys show him around the school- and show him all the different classrooms (that he’s seen several times before). He eats the yucky school lunch with them and even sits on those awful benches that are not made for adults. He’s a good guy. We love our Uncle Buddy.
Well, i need to finish cleaning the house.