Note for Neighbor with the Black Lab

Dear neighbor:

I am surprised that your dog is still running free and pooping on my and Walt’s yard. You know Walt? He lives across from me and is 85+ years old. He also does not enjoy having to clean up your dog’s poop. I asked him because I wasn’t sure if it was just me. It’s not. NOBODY LIKES BEING POOPED ON.

I say “surprised” because my wife had already told you that we did not appreciate your dog pooping on our lawn. But still he runs free. It appears that you are either too dim or too insensitive to understand her request. Let me make it clear:

WE DO NOT LIKE BEING POOPED ON. Until this point we have not even investigated our legal and civil options. Please do not make us go that far. I have faith that there will be some recourse available to us that will make your life more difficult than it is now. Let’s just stop it here and you leash your dog. Or keep him in your fenced back yard. I don’t care as long as he is not in everybody else’s yard.

Also, I could not be happier that you want to go on walks with your dog. I encourage it. I also would encourage you to have evidence visible that you are prepared to clean up after your dog.

In conclusion, let me just say that you likely know that your behaviour has not been acceptable. If you didn’t know that, you should now. This is what society expects.

Reverse Baader-Meinhof Syndrome

Part One
Some time ago I renewed my subscription to Netflix in order to utilize their streaming video service which is offered “free” to all their subscribers. The service is nice but the selection of movies available to Watch Instantly (their term for internet streaming) is a very small subset of the movies that they have on DVD. Because I’m interested to know of any additions to this subset, I subscribe to their RSS feed for New choices to watch instantly. With that subscription I receive notification in my web browser whenever a movie is made available for Instant viewing. This morning there were approximately 20 new movies available which I quickly scrolled through, clicking open a new tab for each that interested me. One of these was Yojimbo by the legendary Japanese director, Akira Kurosawa, who also directed the seminal Seven Samarai. After reading the description, I clicked the “Add to Instant Queue” button to save it for later viewing. Whenever you add a movie to your queue on Netflix they suggest 10 more related movies that they think you might like. This time, they showed me these (click to enlarge the image):

Netflix Choices

My eyes were immediately drawn to one of the movies on the bottom and in the middle, The Beider Meinhof Complex. The name was somewhat familiar so I read the description but it didn’t interest me so I closed the window.

Continue reading “Reverse Baader-Meinhof Syndrome”

Letter To My One-Time Eye Doctor

Dear Dr. Nelson:

I can’t tell how happy I was to receive your postcard reminding me that I should schedule an eye appointment with your office. Two years ago I had the most delightful appointment with you and your staff. While I waited for the results, one of your employees helped me choose frames for my new eye glasses. When she showed me the frames that come with magnetically attached sunglasses, I was doubtful that I would buy such a thing. However, when she informed me that replacing the sunglasses themselves only cost $10, I was convinced.

After I received the glasses, I used the clip-on sunglasses all the time. Since I regularly rode my bike to and from work, it was very handy to keep them in my bike bag. Sure they started to get scratched from contacting everything else in my bike bag, but I knew that replacements were ONLY TEN DOLLARS. Thus, you can imagine my surprise when I dropped by your office three months later and was told that replacements cost ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Flabbergasted, I protested only slightly to you. I was simply stunned and walked out of there with no replacements. A few months later I had a new job with new insurance and was able to return to my old eye doctor. In contrast to my experience with your office, this doctor always makes recommendations that save me money and maximize value from my optical insurance. He also lives up to his promises and makes sure his employees are well-informed about the products he offers.

How much does HGV insurance cost?

The cost of box truck insurance depends on many variables. These variables differ from agency to agency. That’s why it’s so important to shop around for box truck insurance: you want to make sure your insurance doesn’t cost more than it has to.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for you and your business, which is what I have been telling all of my friends for the last two years. I’m grateful that you reminded me how poorly you treated me and provided me with an email address to tell you about it.

A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom

When things break, I am always compelled to take them apart in an effort to find out what is wrong. Most of the time, I remove the top cover/back panel/what-have-you, glance inside and conclude that I am simply out of my league. I can see nothing wrong or even recognize anything that I am looking at. On a few occasions I have been able to identify potential problems but did not have the expertise or knowledge to confirm and fix the problem. Last night I was able to make that final step: identify the problem and find a solution.

Sunday was the first anniversary of the new heating element we had to get for our dryer last year. At that time the dryer was less than a year old but surprisingly out of warranty. Although a certain amount of blame lies with us for failing to check the warranty terms (90 days) at purchase time, I mostly blame Sears for selling such shoddy products that they can’t warranty them for a year or three. I suspect they have done this in order to push their extended warranty programs, or “maintenance agreements“, as they prefer to call them. As you might imagine, we were angry over the warranty issue and even angrier when we had to pay the Sears repair man over $200 to fix something we considered to be “new”.

So how did our heating element celebrate the end of it’s first year in service? It quit. It totally stopped heating the dryer and Tina had to take our weekend laundry to the nearest laundromat to dry it. Once again we were angry, but there was no way we were going to call Sears this time. After mulling the situation for a day, I consulted howstuffworks.com for any advice they might have about fixing dryers. Their article on clothes dryers was informative, but did not contain any advice for fixing broken dryers. They did, however, point to a link at RepairClinic.com which eventually led me to a section entitled “There’s no heat.” That article lays out a basic inspection plan for determining which electrical component has failed. With this knowledge and my multimeter in hand, I unplugged our dryer and removed the back with only a little hope of actually accomplishing anything.

What lay behind the cover was much simpler than I had counted upon. After testing the thermal sensors (as prescribed by the RepairClinic article) it wasn’t long before I narrowed the problem to a little box near the bottom. After removing two screws, the little box came off easily and revealed that it had a matrix of coiled wires attached to it. I had discovered the heating element! A quick continuity test confirmed that this was the faulty component and I even found the broken coil after a quick inspection. An online search for the model number yielded an average price of about $40 for the replacement part.

I can’t tell you how good I felt at this moment. Not only was I victorious in finding the problem, disassembly had been so quick and easy that I have full confidence in being able to install the new element. It is also reassuring to know that if the element breaks again, I can replace it myself relatively cheaply. And we won’t have to call the damn Sears repair man ever again.

 

Update 4/17: I found a little additional information about Kenmore appliances on Wikipedia. Most large appliances are manufactured for Sears by Whirlpool, who also manufactures under the brand names Maytag, Amana, KitchenAid, Jenn-Air and many others. In addition to Sears’ OEM business, Whirlpool also makes products for Best Buy, Home Depot and IKEA. Iowa residents might note that in 2007 Whirlpool shut down the Amana manufacturing plant in Newton as well as plants in Illinois and Arkansas. I’m guessing those jobs probably went to China and Mexico where Whirlpool does much of it’s manufacturing.

Dazed and Confused

On Friday, June 2, 2006, a group of us took our co-worker, Monroe, out after work to celebrate his impending nuptials. I stayed with the group for dinner and two bars before deciding to head home at around 9:30. I retrieved my bike from the office and rode off into the Portland night. The feeling of comraderie still rested warmly inside but a surreal air permeated outside. I discovered my headlight was dead, so my short eight block, downhill ride was a paranoid one for I feared both for my safety and the long arm of the law (lighting is required for night riders in Portland). The weird atmosphere did not end once I reached the MAX station, either, because the circus was in town and overflowing onto my MAX platform.

The “circus”, in this case, was the 2006 Rose Festival which started two days before. One of the main Rose Festival attractions is Waterfront Village, which mostly consists of carnival rides, junk food and thousands of people trampling the grass in Waterfront Park. On this Friday evening, the Village was teaming with life and had crept over Front Avenue, past the parking lot and into my MAX station. In addition to the numerous people that crowded the area, the authorities had divided the platform and the sidewalk with steel barriers. There were gaps between the barriers so it was easy to walk through them. Still, their presence put me in a police state frame of mind as I rolled up to the station, hopped off my bike and leaned it against the garbage can.

As I waited for the arrival of the next train, I hoped for a Blue one because the Blue line passes closer to our house. Unfortunately, a Red train pulled up a few minutes later and I resigned myself to a longer bike ride home. I entered the train at the front of the first car, hung my bike on the supplied hook and sat in the side-mounted seat that allows me an unimpeded view of my bike. I settled in to read my book, which was about basketball on the ghetto playgrounds of 1970’s New York City.

Some time later, I noticed a little white guy in a light blue coat was having an argument with a couple of angry black girls on the other side of the train. The girls were doing most, if not all, of the yelling and doing quite an impressive job of it. If the guy, who was leaning against the plexiglass barrier right by the door, was responding, I could not hear it. At some point, the level of intensity was raised to a point where I considered pushing the call button to let the driver know that there might be trouble brewing. For whatever reason, I decided to let it go. By the time we reached Lloyd Center (the last stop in “fareless square” and the site of a popular mall), the yelling and screaming had not abated.

I glanced over at them again just in time to see an average-sized, light-skinned black man set one foot inside the car as he threw a roundhouse right that laid out the little dude in the blue jacket. And I don’t mean just knocked him down – I mean that the guy laid on the floor for almost 30 seconds before even moving after he got punched. I have never in my life seen someone hit with such ferocity and violence outside of television and the movies. When he finally stirred, he immediately tried to get to his feet but fell to his knees. For the next few minutes, he stumbled around trying in vain to stand. Each time his knees would give out and he would fall back to the floor. The prodigious amount of blood coming from his mouth also made the scene seem movie-like in it’s violence and gore.

By this time everyone on the train had noticed what was going on and several people were telling the guy to stay down for a bit. Both the puncher and the girls had long since disappeared but I think everyone was worried for the poor dude’s well-being. After watching him try to get up for about the fifth time, I walked across the car to try to help. I told him to just sit down for a bit but he wasn’t having any of that. Each time he stood, he would stagger to the side like he was drunk but there was no hint of alcohol on his breath. Finally, he fell into me and I maneuvered him into a nearby seat and implored him to rest a few minutes. He cursed a few times but did stay there for several minutes, so I retreated back to my seat.

Sometime during the aftermath of the punch, the driver had been called but concluded that there was nothing he could do and returned to his cab. As a result, however, we were still sitting in the Lloyd Center station and several more people had boarded. One of those passengers was a tall, skinny, dark-skinned black kid in his late teens. He happened to sit a few seats away from the punch-drunk kid, who noticed after a few minutes and started yelling at him. After he started moving toward the kid while continuing his verbal barrage, another passenger stepped between them and tried to convince Mr. Bloody Mouth that this kid had not been the one who had punched him. He wouldn’t listen to reason, though, and continued his tirade against the tall kid. Eventually his remarks turned racial which was too much for the tall, black kid who began threatening the little guy. As I write about it now, it seems like a scene from Crash, but the mix of misunderstanding and racism leading to angry and violent reaction was as real as anything I’ve ever seen.

Soon the police arrived and the tension quickly subsided. The guy in the blue coat refused their assistance and just walked away while the doors to the train closed. As we left the station I tried to explain to the tall kid what had happened and why the white guy reacted the way he had, but it was futile. He didn’t want to hear any excuses for some guy who had called him a “nigger”. It didn’t matter what had happened before he got there. There was no excuse for it in his mind. And he was right. There is no excuse. I supposed I should have felt that I had a greater perspective on race as I settled back into my book in which race and economic class are big factors, but I didn’t. I felt shocked to have witnessed such raw physical and social brutality.

When the train arrived at Gateway Transit Center, I was not really in the mood to bike the rest of the way home. Besides, I knew that a Blue Line train couldn’t be far behind since we had been delayed for so long at Lloyd Center. As I looked to the west for that Blue train, fireworks lit up the sky over downtown Portland signaling the official start of Portland’s 2006 Rose Festival. A tiny bit of hope crept back inside me as I watched the fireworks and waited for that train.

Rory comes home

As I tried to drift off to sleep Sunday night (er, Monday morning), I imagined the conversation that the cats had when Rory appeared again after being gone for three days. Here’s the scene:

Ming is laying on the back of the couch in the library room and Baby is relaxing nearby on the rocker/glider. Butters bursts into the room exclaiming, “Rory’s home! Rory’s home!”

Ming slowly opens his eyes and says, “Rory’s phone? Rory has a phone? Then someone should call her because I haven’t seen her for awhile.”

“NO, MING,” Butters shouts, “I SAID THAT RORY IS HOME!”

“I can barely hear you, boy, you’ll have to speak up! You say Rory’s alone? I bet she is, she’s been gone for awhile.”

“No, no, no, ” says Butters. He turns to Baby and says, “Did YOU hear me? Rory is home!”

Baby blinks at Butters twice and slowly says, “That’s cool, man, because that chick is fun. But I’m just going to hang out here a little longer with Ming. I’m tired and have only napped for 10 hours today. I need to get my sleep so I can tear around after everyone goes to bed.”

“I can’t believe you guys,” Butters tells them, “We should go make sure she’s alright. Come on!”

And with that he runs out of the room as fast as he can. Unfortunately, he’s going too fast to make it around the first corner and slides right into the cabinet where Frederick the Frog lives.

“What the hell’s wrong with you crazy cats?” croaks Frederick. “Let’s see you come up HERE and do that, smarty pants!”

“Oh, sorry, Frederick,” says Butters, “It was an accident. I’ll come visit later.”

Just as he’s saying that, in walks Rory who says, “Hello, boys. Didja miss me?”

Conversation with a college buddy

Gustav Euler: I’m not allowed to watch South Park.
It may give the kids ideas.

Me:
That’s a damn shame.
Don’t let the kids watch it.

Gustav Euler:
I’m also not allowed to watch the Simpsons.

Me:
We watch it after they go to bed.

Gustav Euler:
Or Red Green.
etc. etc.

Me:
What? That’s an american staple (Simpsons)

Gustav Euler:
I watch Red Green, anyway.

Me:
We don’t get him here.
I never got him when I was there. Haha.

Gustav Euler:
Son wanted me to take him to the “Yellow people movie”

Me:
haha.
I haven’t seen it yet but the kids loved it.

Gustav Euler:
Wife asked him why, since he’s never seen them. “Daddy lets me watch them!” Doh!

Me:
haha! The Simpsons is our “All in the Family”.

Gustav Euler:
My parents usually let watch that.

Me:
Us too.
My dad later had a thing for Three’s Company.
Hmmm, late 40’s and jiggly women.

Gustav Euler:
Ja!

Me:
I’m not sure my mom caught on to that.

Gustav Euler:
Chrissy and her cousins.
My mom’s favorite was Mr. Roper.
I’m hoping it wasn’t a statement about bathmate hydro pump and their sex life, or lack of it.

Me:
I don’t think about it.

Gustav Euler:
Since Mrs. Roper was always complaining about Mr. Roper’s lack of interest.
THen Susanne Somers asked for too much money, and we only saw her on the phone 30 seconds per episode, then she was gone. Replaced by at least two other large-breasted blondes.
But neither of them had the staying power of the thigh-master.
So, there ya go.

Me:
wow, your memories are more vivid than mine

Gustav Euler:
One was a nurse??

Me:
I was always a Janet fan, anyway

Gustav Euler:
She was OK looking, but not too huge.
The oother one was better in that department.

Me:
Mary Ann for the 80s

Gustav Euler:
Of course, I had the hugest crush on Valerie Bertinelli, then Lisa Whelchel.

Me:
Lisa Whelchel?

Gustav Euler:
Blair on “The Facts of Life”

Me:
I liked VB but also the girl on “Family”
that played the tomboy…
had an actor brother…
Christy McNichol.
she was hot!

Gustav Euler:
Word.

Me:
haha

Gustav Euler:
I”m down with all that.
I see that VB is available again.

Me:
totally.
Eddie VH is an asshole

Gustav Euler:
I’m sure I stand just as good a chance as I did in the ’70’s.

Me:
hmm, maybe not

Gustav Euler:
Probably less of one, since I”m now married.

Me:
I would like to put this conversation on my blog. Would you mind? Should I change your name?

Gustav Euler:
You could change it to Gustav Euler.
That’s my Second Life name.

Luck of the Wii

You may remember the ordeal we went through last Christmas to get a Wii for the boys. Although we failed to find one before Christmas, we came up with a pretty good idea to convey that we would eventually be buying a Wii: I stuffed 250 dollar bills into a Wii box that I borrowed from a guy at work and we put the whole thing under the Christmas tree. The boys were happy to see the Wii box and not very disappointed to find that there was no Wii inside it. Luckily, I was able to capture the moment on a digital camera. After I put it up on YouTube for friends and family to see, I thought that would be the end of it.

It wasn’t. Last month, Thomas noticed a new item in my YouTube inbox:

My name is Patricia McNaney and I am the Broadcast Business Manager at Young & Rubicam Advertising Agency. My work phone number is: (redacted) and my email address is (redacted).

We are interested in the possability of using a portion of the above referenced video clip in a Sears Holiday TV commercial.

Can you please contract me, at your convenience, to discuss the possability of the use of this clip in a TV commercial for Sears.

I look foward to hearing from you.

Regards,

I was skeptical that this was a typical online get-rich-quick scam, but I called her and found out that her offer was legitimate. They were looking for the kind of great holiday moments that you just can’t get from child actors. If I wanted our video to be considered for final selection, I had only to provide a copy of the video and sign a couple of legal releases. I gave her my email address and she sent the following:

Mitchell –

It was great talking to you yesterday regarding the possibility of using the above referenced footage in a Sears Holiday TV commercial.

As discuss, I have attached two (2) releases for signature. The Footage Release needs to be reviewed and signed by you or if you do not own the video, by the person who owns the video. This release gives us permission to use the footage in a commercial for Sears.

The Consent and Release form is to be signed by anyone who appears in the video. This release gives us permission to use the footage containing their image.

It also explains that if this footage is used in a commercial, anyone appearing in the footage will receive a SAG contract for signature and will receive residual payments. The SAG contracts will be forwarded to the individual(s) in the video after final client approval of the commercial.

I also need to get a copy of the video. If you have the original, that would be the best quality for us to work with. If not, please send the best possible quality copy.

You can send the signed releases and a copy of the video to:

Patricia McNaney
(address redacted)

Please send via Fed/Ex so we can track the package in case it is lost in transit. Please charges shipment to Y&R Fed/Ex # which is: (redacted).

If you should have any questions, please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Regards,

Patricia McNaney

Today I sent three signed Consent & Release forms (Tina, Graham and Thomas), a signed Footage Release form and the video in original AVI format burned on to a CD. There is no guarantee that we will be selected for a commercial, but the boys already have plans for spending their residual checks!

Waking stream of consciousness

Spent yesterday and most of today camping with the Boy Scouts.
No electricity and I didn’t bring the CPAP.
Noted rustling in the bushes as I drifted off in my tent alone last night.
Woke up in terror sometime later after imagining that I had seen a vicious animal outside my tent and didn’t calm down for a few minutes. I hope I didn’t scream.
During my usual R.E.M. time, I awoke continuously from obstructive apnea. It went on for hours.
Woke up with a headache and a sore throat.
Slept in the van after the boys went trail riding.
Still feel like hell.
Hope to sleep better tonight.
Soon.