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Letter to my Uncle Lorell who is dying

September 3rd, 2011 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Explanation, News, Tales Comments Off

September 3, 2011

 

Dear Lorell,

When I was a kid there were few things I liked more than going to my uncles’ farms. Being a “city slicker” (as my classmates often called me), the farm was a completely different world to me. When I visited my Uncle Merlin’s farm it was mostly about hanging out with my cousins who were close in age to me, but when I visited your farm, it was always about you and I spending time together. That is a gift that I will always treasure.

One time when I was there “helping” you, we tried to take a dent out of the local rat population. I’ll never forget when you lifted up a piece of plywood (or maybe it was corrugated tin) that was laying behind the big machine shed. The plywood was laying on a small pile of corn and when you lifted it, it revealed several rat “tunnels” and the rats inside them. I was surprised but you were not because you had a gun and started shooting the rats as they scurried away. Guns, rats, tunnels – everything about being on the farm was so cool.

You’ve always been there. You were at Grandma Christensen’s for all those Christmases with the toys in the bedrooms and the money in the envelopes. And you were at Grandma Ring’s for the oyster stew. I remember sitting in that little living room watching Vitas Gerulaitis play tennis and you laughing when I joked that his name sounded like a disease. Harold was there. And my dad. And Gene.

So many memories I have of you and so little time to tell you about them. You kept your golf cart in Grandma Ring’s garage. You drove that giant green Cadillac. You visited me at my first house in Portland. Remember? You got lost and I told you “find the first bridge you see and cross it.” I was so sad to spend what I thought would be our last birthday together three years ago but now I’m so glad that you have had three more years in this world. I’ve never had a birthday where I didn’t think of you. And I never will.

As I sit here with all these thoughts and memories swirling through my head, I’m desperately trying to figure out how to end this note to you in a meaningful way. I suppose that life mostly doesn’t come to an end in a dramatic or meaningful way so perhaps I should just end this by saying that I thank you for your many kindnesses towards me over the last (almost) 45 years and that I think you’ve been a good uncle and a fine man. I also thank you for my double cousins without whom my life would be lesser. I hope that you reach the end of your days peacefully and without regret. And I love you.

Mick

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Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll

November 19th, 2010 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Explanation, Favorite Things, Music, Pictures, Tales, Video Comments Off

If you were a teen in the 80s like me then you probably remember the short-lived sketch comedy series, Fridays, on ABC. Although it only lasted two seasons, it left an indelible impression on my young brain.

Sadly, a DVD release of those two seasons is reportedly held up by Michael Richards. Luckily, YouTube has most of their great sketches including the ones I’ve included below the fold:
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Note for Neighbor with the Black Lab (second draft)

June 3rd, 2010 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Tales Comments Off

This is a slight revision of the note I originally wrote on Facebook and then posted here the other day. This version includes new information and will be delivered with three bags of poop that I have scooped from my yard.
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Page 2: In Which I Explain My Life To The Class of 1985

June 1st, 2010 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Explanation, Favorite Things, Tales Comments Off

I’ve been in Portland since 1990 after a short detour to San Diego after graduating from Wartburg. I met and married my wife, Tina, in 1992. We have two awesome boys who dictate how we spend most of our time. Both are very active in Boy Scout Troop 820 (troop820.org) and both play the double bass in the school orchestra after converting from the cello.

Graham is a nerd of the first order and thinks I’m the coolest nerd on the planet. He loves to play video games on our Xbox and Wii but is enthusiastic in almost everything he does — even when I enlist his help in yard chores. Since he was a baby we have known that he is strong-willed and joyous. He’s also very intelligent and somewhat arrogant about that fact, regarding it as a fact of life that he’s smarter than everyone else. I’m trying to work that out of him.

Thomas is more reserved than Graham and less likely to risk looking uncool. A year ago I helped him buy his first electric bass. Since then he has learned to play all of his favorite sons and a few “classics” that I asked him to learn. He can also has pick up Tina or my guitar and play them much better than either of us. In many ways he’s very much like I was at that age: long hair, quiet except with friends, stubborn and often inconsiderate. He’s also very smart but not always willing to work hard for great grades.

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Note for Neighbor with the Black Lab

May 31st, 2010 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Tales 2 Comments »

Dear neighbor:

I am surprised that your dog is still running free and pooping on my and Walt’s yard. You know Walt? He lives across from me and is 85+ years old. He also does not enjoy having to clean up your dog’s poop. I asked him because I wasn’t sure if it was just me. It’s not. NOBODY LIKES BEING POOPED ON.

I say “surprised” because my wife had already told you that we did not appreciate your dog pooping on our lawn. But still he runs free. It appears that you are either too dim or too insensitive to understand her request. Let me make it clear:

WE DO NOT LIKE BEING POOPED ON. Until this point we have not even investigated our legal and civil options. Please do not make us go that far. I have faith that there will be some recourse available to us that will make your life more difficult than it is now. Let’s just stop it here and you leash your dog. Or keep him in your fenced back yard. I don’t care as long as he is not in everybody else’s yard.

Also, I could not be happier that you want to go on walks with your dog. I encourage it. I also would encourage you to have evidence visible that you are prepared to clean up after your dog.

In conclusion, let me just say that you likely know that your behaviour has not been acceptable. If you didn’t know that, you should now. This is what society expects.

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Reverse Baader-Meinhof Syndrome

January 22nd, 2010 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Explanation, Tales Comments Off

Part One
Some time ago I renewed my subscription to Netflix in order to utilize their streaming video service which is offered “free” to all their subscribers. The service is nice but the selection of movies available to Watch Instantly (their term for internet streaming) is a very small subset of the movies that they have on DVD. Because I’m interested to know of any additions to this subset, I subscribe to their RSS feed for New choices to watch instantly. With that subscription I receive notification in my web browser whenever a movie is made available for Instant viewing. This morning there were approximately 20 new movies available which I quickly scrolled through, clicking open a new tab for each that interested me. One of these was Yojimbo by the legendary Japanese director, Akira Kurosawa, who also directed the seminal Seven Samarai. After reading the description, I clicked the “Add to Instant Queue” button to save it for later viewing. Whenever you add a movie to your queue on Netflix they suggest 10 more related movies that they think you might like. This time, they showed me these (click to enlarge the image):

Netflix Choices

My eyes were immediately drawn to one of the movies on the bottom and in the middle, The Beider Meinhof Complex. The name was somewhat familiar so I read the description but it didn’t interest me so I closed the window.

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Letter To My One-Time Eye Doctor

June 16th, 2009 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Tales Comments Off

Dear Dr. Nelson:

I can’t tell how happy I was to receive your postcard reminding me that I should schedule an eye appointment with your office. Two years ago I had the most delightful appointment with you and your staff. While I waited for the results, one of your employees helped me choose frames for my new eye glasses. When she showed me the frames that come with magnetically attached sunglasses, I was doubtful that I would buy such a thing. However, when she informed me that replacing the sunglasses themselves only cost $10, I was convinced.

After I received the glasses, I used the clip-on sunglasses all the time. Since I regularly rode my bike to and from work, it was very handy to keep them in my bike bag. Sure they started to get scratched from contacting everything else in my bike bag, but I knew that replacements were ONLY TEN DOLLARS. Thus, you can imagine my surprise when I dropped by your office three months later and was told that replacements cost ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Flabbergasted, I protested only slightly to you. I was simply stunned and walked out of there with no replacements. A few months later I had a new job with new insurance and was able to return to my old eye doctor. In contrast to my experience with your office, this doctor always makes recommendations that save me money and maximize value from my optical insurance. He also lives up to his promises and makes sure his employees are well-informed about the products he offers.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for you and your business, which is what I have been telling all of my friends for the last two years. I’m grateful that you reminded me how poorly you treated me and provided me with an email address to tell you about it.

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Sunday morning, 2 am

June 23rd, 2008 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Tales Comments Off

Somebody said they saw me, swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud, killing the blues

Wait? What’s that? Someone is spraying me with water.

“What the hell!?!?!”

I think I just woke up Tina. She asks me what’s going on.

“The wind blew the fly off the tent.”
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A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom

April 15th, 2008 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Explanation, News, Tales 8 Comments »

When things break, I am always compelled to take them apart in an effort to find out what is wrong. Most of the time, I remove the top cover/back panel/what-have-you, glance inside and conclude that I am simply out of my league. I can see nothing wrong or even recognize anything that I am looking at. On a few occasions I have been able to identify potential problems but did not have the expertise or knowledge to confirm and fix the problem. Last night I was able to make that final step: identify the problem and find a solution.

Sunday was the first anniversary of the new heating element we had to get for our dryer last year. At that time the dryer was less than a year old but surprisingly out of warranty. Although a certain amount of blame lies with us for failing to check the warranty terms (90 days) at purchase time, I mostly blame Sears for selling such shoddy products that they can’t warranty them for a year or three. I suspect they have done this in order to push their extended warranty programs, or “maintenance agreements“, as they prefer to call them. As you might imagine, we were angry over the warranty issue and even angrier when we had to pay the Sears repair man over $200 to fix something we considered to be “new”.

So how did our heating element celebrate the end of it’s first year in service? It quit. It totally stopped heating the dryer and Tina had to take our weekend laundry to the nearest laundromat to dry it. Once again we were angry, but there was no way we were going to call Sears this time. After mulling the situation for a day, I consulted howstuffworks.com for any advice they might have about fixing dryers. Their article on clothes dryers was informative, but did not contain any advice for fixing broken dryers. They did, however, point to a link at RepairClinic.com which eventually led me to a section entitled “There’s no heat.” That article lays out a basic inspection plan for determining which electrical component has failed. With this knowledge and my multimeter in hand, I unplugged our dryer and removed the back with only a little hope of actually accomplishing anything.

What lay behind the cover was much simpler than I had counted upon. After testing the thermal sensors (as prescribed by the RepairClinic article) it wasn’t long before I narrowed the problem to a little box near the bottom. After removing two screws, the little box came off easily and revealed that it had a matrix of coiled wires attached to it. I had discovered the heating element! A quick continuity test confirmed that this was the faulty component and I even found the broken coil after a quick inspection. An online search for the model number yielded an average price of about $40 for the replacement part.

I can’t tell you how good I felt at this moment. Not only was I victorious in finding the problem, disassembly had been so quick and easy that I have full confidence in being able to install the new element. It is also reassuring to know that if the element breaks again, I can replace it myself relatively cheaply. And we won’t have to call the damn Sears repair man ever again.

 

Update 4/17: I found a little additional information about Kenmore appliances on Wikipedia. Most large appliances are manufactured for Sears by Whirlpool, who also manufactures under the brand names Maytag, Amana, KitchenAid, Jenn-Air and many others. In addition to Sears’ OEM business, Whirlpool also makes products for Best Buy, Home Depot and IKEA. Iowa residents might note that in 2007 Whirlpool shut down the Amana manufacturing plant in Newton as well as plants in Illinois and Arkansas. I’m guessing those jobs probably went to China and Mexico where Whirlpool does much of it’s manufacturing.

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Dazed and Confused

April 4th, 2008 Mitchell Laurren-Ring Posted in Tales Comments Off

On Friday, June 2, 2006, a group of us took our co-worker, Monroe, out after work to celebrate his impending nuptials. I stayed with the group for dinner and two bars before deciding to head home at around 9:30. I retrieved my bike from the office and rode off into the Portland night. The feeling of comraderie still rested warmly inside but a surreal air permeated outside. I discovered my headlight was dead, so my short eight block, downhill ride was a paranoid one for I feared both for my safety and the long arm of the law (lighting is required for night riders in Portland). The weird atmosphere did not end once I reached the MAX station, either, because the circus was in town and overflowing onto my MAX platform.

The “circus”, in this case, was the 2006 Rose Festival which started two days before. One of the main Rose Festival attractions is Waterfront Village, which mostly consists of carnival rides, junk food and thousands of people trampling the grass in Waterfront Park. On this Friday evening, the Village was teaming with life and had crept over Front Avenue, past the parking lot and into my MAX station. In addition to the numerous people that crowded the area, the authorities had divided the platform and the sidewalk with steel barriers. There were gaps between the barriers so it was easy to walk through them. Still, their presence put me in a police state frame of mind as I rolled up to the station, hopped off my bike and leaned it against the garbage can.

As I waited for the arrival of the next train, I hoped for a Blue one because the Blue line passes closer to our house. Unfortunately, a Red train pulled up a few minutes later and I resigned myself to a longer bike ride home. I entered the train at the front of the first car, hung my bike on the supplied hook and sat in the side-mounted seat that allows me an unimpeded view of my bike. I settled in to read my book, which was about basketball on the ghetto playgrounds of 1970′s New York City.

Some time later, I noticed a little white guy in a light blue coat was having an argument with a couple of angry black girls on the other side of the train. The girls were doing most, if not all, of the yelling and doing quite an impressive job of it. If the guy, who was leaning against the plexiglass barrier right by the door, was responding, I could not hear it. At some point, the level of intensity was raised to a point where I considered pushing the call button to let the driver know that there might be trouble brewing. For whatever reason, I decided to let it go. By the time we reached Lloyd Center (the last stop in “fareless square” and the site of a popular mall), the yelling and screaming had not abated.

I glanced over at them again just in time to see an average-sized, light-skinned black man set one foot inside the car as he threw a roundhouse right that laid out the little dude in the blue jacket. And I don’t mean just knocked him down – I mean that the guy laid on the floor for almost 30 seconds before even moving after he got punched. I have never in my life seen someone hit with such ferocity and violence outside of television and the movies. When he finally stirred, he immediately tried to get to his feet but fell to his knees. For the next few minutes, he stumbled around trying in vain to stand. Each time his knees would give out and he would fall back to the floor. The prodigious amount of blood coming from his mouth also made the scene seem movie-like in it’s violence and gore.

By this time everyone on the train had noticed what was going on and several people were telling the guy to stay down for a bit. Both the puncher and the girls had long since disappeared but I think everyone was worried for the poor dude’s well-being. After watching him try to get up for about the fifth time, I walked across the car to try to help. I told him to just sit down for a bit but he wasn’t having any of that. Each time he stood, he would stagger to the side like he was drunk but there was no hint of alcohol on his breath. Finally, he fell into me and I maneuvered him into a nearby seat and implored him to rest a few minutes. He cursed a few times but did stay there for several minutes, so I retreated back to my seat.

Sometime during the aftermath of the punch, the driver had been called but concluded that there was nothing he could do and returned to his cab. As a result, however, we were still sitting in the Lloyd Center station and several more people had boarded. One of those passengers was a tall, skinny, dark-skinned black kid in his late teens. He happened to sit a few seats away from the punch-drunk kid, who noticed after a few minutes and started yelling at him. After he started moving toward the kid while continuing his verbal barrage, another passenger stepped between them and tried to convince Mr. Bloody Mouth that this kid had not been the one who had punched him. He wouldn’t listen to reason, though, and continued his tirade against the tall kid. Eventually his remarks turned racial which was too much for the tall, black kid who began threatening the little guy. As I write about it now, it seems like a scene from Crash, but the mix of misunderstanding and racism leading to angry and violent reaction was as real as anything I’ve ever seen.

Soon the police arrived and the tension quickly subsided. The guy in the blue coat refused their assistance and just walked away while the doors to the train closed. As we left the station I tried to explain to the tall kid what had happened and why the white guy reacted the way he had, but it was futile. He didn’t want to hear any excuses for some guy who had called him a “nigger”. It didn’t matter what had happened before he got there. There was no excuse for it in his mind. And he was right. There is no excuse. I supposed I should have felt that I had a greater perspective on race as I settled back into my book in which race and economic class are big factors, but I didn’t. I felt shocked to have witnessed such raw physical and social brutality.

When the train arrived at Gateway Transit Center, I was not really in the mood to bike the rest of the way home. Besides, I knew that a Blue Line train couldn’t be far behind since we had been delayed for so long at Lloyd Center. As I looked to the west for that Blue train, fireworks lit up the sky over downtown Portland signaling the official start of Portland’s 2006 Rose Festival. A tiny bit of hope crept back inside me as I watched the fireworks and waited for that train.

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